The Better Way to Help Aging Parents with Medical Decisions

One of the biggest issues that people seem to have with aging parents is how to handle medical decisions. For many children of older adults, it just makes sense for them to make the decisions. Parents, after all, can sometimes be difficult and stubborn and might not always do what is in their own best interest. However, dealing with this issue is something that needs to be done carefully because your parents should always be in control of their own health decisions as long as they are capable of doing so.

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In New York, a new healthcare proxy is being introduced to the Senate and Assembly. This bill is designed to allow the principal signer (the older parent) to name someone to help with their medical decisions on their behalf. Of course, the principal always has the final say over what happens, but it makes it legally possible for aging adults to allow their family members to help with health decisions and be involved in their care. Until now, everyone assumed that this was possible, but there is really no legally binding way to guarantee that children can help their aging parents by making medical decisions and handling healthcare issues.

 

 

 

 

This process should be a conversation, always. If parents want help or don’t want to deal with various aspects of their healthcare, they should be allowed to let someone else make the decisions. However, if they are of sound mind and still want to be in charge, they should be. It is their life, after all. With this bill, more aging adults will be able to rely on family members when they need them, but without the hassles and complications of having to tell everyone that it’s okay to talk to someone else or the risk that a specific company or entity might not allow it.

The great thing about this bill is that if older adults change their minds, they can rip up the agreement and go back to making their own decisions. However, they can also choose which issues to handle and which ones to pass on to their children because they don’t feel like making decisions or aren’t sure of what is going on. This is a great step forward for active adults and their families because healthcare decisions are one of the biggest issues that we face later in life, and they need to be handled with care.

Health Over 55 – The Fear of Aging

As people get older, they tend to live in a mindset that they are never going to ‘get old’ like their parents before them did. However, this mindset is usually developed by a fear of aging, which is being instilled in many people thanks to cosmetic procedures and products that are focused on creating a more youthful appearance for people of all ages. Most commonly, it is women who are preoccupied with aging issues and finding ways to avoid looking older, but there are men who are affected by this fear, as well. No one wants to become ‘old’ before their time, and most people don’t want to get to that point at all.

If you ask most active adults over the age of 55, they’ll probably tell you that they feel young and vibrant, and that they are never going to ‘get old’. Today’s retirement culture isn’t as fearful about aging as the coming generations of retirees will be, thanks to overexposure to advertising, television shows, and other things in the world that focus on beauty, youth, and cosmetic procedures that can make people look and feel years younger.

Today’s 30-45 age group of women (and some men) are more afraid of aging than any generation that has come before them. Due to the constant exposure to the importance of youth and beauty, these people will likely have a difficult time dealing with health issues and aging throughout their life. The problem today starts in adolescence, and needs to be fixed before we have an entire society that spends more on cosmetic surgery than living expenses because of their fear of aging.

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Companionship: Building Relationships in Retirement

Meeting new people isn’t easy at any stage in your life. However, when you’re dealing with something like retirement, where most people have already completed their social circles, it can be even more difficult to find new friends and companions. You don’t have to be looking for friends for life or spouses. Even just finding some people that you like spending time with right now is completely acceptable. The goal is to make sure that you stay social, no matter what. When you’re no longer working every day, it can be quite lonesome without people in your life.

Companionship is all about finding people who have similar interests, values, and ideals regarding life. These are people that you can get along with and that you enjoy spending time with. There doesn’t have to be a romantic element, but for single retirees or those who have lost their spouses, that might come along from time to time. The important thing is that you shouldn’t rule anything out just because it seems like it might not be necessary. You need that social interaction on various levels in your life, and it’s up to you to find it.

This isn’t to say that you can’t spend time alone. By all means, there is a lot to be said for people who enjoy their alone time. However, you have to make sure that the alone time that you have isn’t all the time. It’s really just about making sure that you have friends and acquaintances that you can enjoy time with every once in awhile. Even though you might like being alone, no one should be alone all the time. It can seem like a daunting task to build new relationships at our age, but I promise that it’s worth the investment of your time and energy.

If you don’t already have people in your life, you should make an effort to meet new people and find that companionship so that you’re not alone or reliant on your family for companionship. It’s a lot easier than you think if you just get out there and start mingling with other retirees.

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How to know when a parent needs more care

Deciding whether it's time for elder relatives to make new living arrangements takes the keen observation and the subtle questioning of a Sherlock Holmes, says Susan Fleischer, president of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. Elders minimize and camouflage difficulties. Adult children and caretaker spouses struggle with guilt and fear. Denial is common.

"Making the decision is about 50 percent emotional and 50 percent reality," says Linda Fodrini-Johnson, past president of the national association and executive director of the Eldercare Services in San Francisco.

The decision about what to do frightens people so much that they delay recognizing problems, says Lue Taff, geriatric care manager for Dallas' the Senior Source. "People always think they're going to have to make a move," she says, "but if there are funds, people can often stay in their homes." She recommends first focusing solely on whether the family is at what she calls "the decision point."

Here's how to make that assessment:

Notice if conversation changes.

Long tales about what she bought at the grocery may be trying, says Fodrini-Johnson, but they show that memory is working. When elders begin to cut off conservation or answer vaguely, they could have become anxious about what they were going to say.

Watch for disguised problems.

For instance, Taff's mother always answered the phone promptly, which made it seem as if she were up and mobile. But she was keeping the phone in the bed with her and not getting up at all.

Monitor medications.

Merely depending on daily pill boxes isn't enough, as Fodrini-Johnson found out when her mother casually mentioned that because she had forgotten to take her medication yesterday, she would take two doses that evening.

Check the kitchen.

Leaving items too close to the edge of the counter could mean a change in perception from a small stroke, Fodrini-Johnson says. Look in the refrigerator. "If they aren't emptying it, they aren't eating properly. Look for spoiled food. Notice what's on the counters. One woman left mayonnaise on the counter for days," Taff says.

Notice if they're wearing the same clothes or soiled clothes.

"We take so many things for granted that people need help with. Doing laundry is a huge task," Taff says.

Check for fender benders or traffic citations.

Examine the condition of the car regularly, looking for new dents or scrapes. You can also check for traffic citations. Have them do the driving occasionally, so you can see how they handle the road.

Take reports by neighbors and friends seriously.

They may notice things family members are too close to see or aren't around to know about, such as wandering or erratic driving.

Notice changes in lifelong habits.

If someone who always loved parties stops going to them, he could be afraid he won't remember the names of longtime friends, Fodrini-Johnson says. If a person who always reads directions before starting a project stops doing that, she might have trouble reading or comprehending.

Bear in mind that some problems may be caused by treatable or temporary conditions.

"Depression is a big problem. When you're depressed, you can't make decisions and everything takes too much energy," Taff says. Stress, hearing loss, grief or side effects from medications can also cause changes in behavior. "They might be doing fine on a new medication and then three days later start to have reactions," Fleischer says. Geriatric pharmacists can review medications to make sure drugs aren't reacting together in harmful ways.

Geriatric-care managers can help with assessment and in locating resources. Their services range from $95-$180 an hour. An initial assessment takes 6 to 7 hours and may take several days. Many care managers will also do spot checks afterward to make sure things are going well.

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